Professional Bus Thrower-Underer

I have become a professional Bus Thrower-Underer. What is a PBTUer? The job duties entail the following:

• First, if you are not throwing others under the bus, then you are the target for being thrown under the bus. You either throw, or be thrown. This is the law of the bus jungle.
  
  
  
  • If you see a bus coming down the street, or know of a bus route, then you must always be on your guard.
    
  • If you ever feel hands grabbing your neck or lapels or belt buckle, or feel hands pushing you in the upper or lower back, you must fight, scream, kick, and grab the person who is throwing you under a bus. It is acceptable to be thrown under a bus if you can draw the throwee in with you.
  
  
• Find out bus schedules and stops. Memorise these.
  
• Look for people you work with who walk on the sidewalk. These are the easy prey.
  
  
  
  • Sneak up on these coworkers and simply push them into the oncoming bus.
  
  
• Look also for other coworkers who walk on the sidewalk but are paranoid, constantly looking over their shoulders, or using newspaper or memos to cover their rear ends as they try to walk forward. These are the difficult prey.
  
  
  
  • Try throwing an easy prey under the bus as described above, then when the difficult prey comes over to examine what happened, push as hard as possible on them from behind so they too go under the bus.
    
  • Find a way to distract them, perhaps by using a partner or a team. Have your partner yell or create a commotion on the other side of the street. As the difficult prey cowers behind the bus stop or looks across the street, grab them by the collar and belt, and heave, throw, shove, push, and strain to throw them into an oncoming bus.
  
  
• Now that you have mastered the difficult prey, it is time to turn on your partners and teams.
  
  
  
  • Tell your coworker you are hunting a particularly difficult prey who walks most paranoidly and is looking in all directions. Their ass is covered to the maximum and they will not fall for the distraction techniques mentioned above. Concoct a difficult and cunning strategy for your teammate to follow. At some point in the plan, push those gullible motherfuckers under the fucking biggest, fastest moving bus you can find.
  
  
• Now there are some prey who do not go on the sidewalk. They never go near a door or exit. They run to their cars through the parking structure and never venture near bus routes. These are extremely cowardly and rotten people. You must commandeer or steal a bus and drive it to these cowards. Run them over, get out of the bus, pick them up, then throw them under it again.

If you follow these simple steps, you can gain mastery in Bus Throwing-Under-hood-ed-ness.