Keeping up with the Smiths

At the risk of becoming a movie-review blog, I recently encountered Mr. and Mrs. Smith on cable. Yes, I know I should actually visit a movie theatre at some point, or at the very least get a Netflix subscription. Well, shove it up your ass and listen to my story.

I was bothered by the amount of domestic violence that was displayed in this movie. Surely, a movie like War of the Roses would have taught us a lesson. In this day and age (halfway through 2006), a man must be arrested on a domestic violence call if there is any visible injury on the woman. She can have a nose bleed from stress, call the police and he'll go to jail. Not that he doesn't deserve to, mind you. I say lock the guy up.

But the point is that we cannot condone these scenes of violence just because they are movies, and especially not because they are portrayed as "comedy" or "sexy". If someone hits me in the midst of some passionate love, then I shall hope that they leave a mark, because the phone will be dialing 911 faster than you can say "put your clothes on and get the cops out here!"

Overall, I thought the action was decent, and the director never really bothers to stop for dialogue or pauses. It moves along briskly, which is an incredible relief these days in my old age. I didn't like the short pauses to capture the facial tics on Brad's face. These tics weren't comedic, they were like watching the RCA dog tilt his head at his master's voice. "Huh? Oh. Ah! Wha? Hmm." Very boring and forced.

The final action sequence is extremely marred by poor choreography, especially the slow-mo crap where they work together as a team to shoot the bad guys. Those tactics would never fly in any military or paramilitary formation. It was idiotic and foolish.

Look at the scene where they are inside the elevator (twice!), going up to the second floor of the Home shop at the end. You'll see Angie has a full MP5 or other machine gun. But getting in, she clearly has a hand gun. Coming out of the elevator at the bottom, she has a hand gun again. Kind of fun when you catch movie goofs by yourself, without having to watch twice, or be told.

Revenge of the Star Nerds

I finally saw Revenge of the Sith on cable. It bounced between campy, hokey, choppy, cool, and satisfying. There is a lot to hate:

• Yoda's lame-ass acting and repulsively stupid lines like "Time is over, yours is."
• Whirly twirly Brazillian dance saber fights (in some cases, it's so slow and bad that you can actually see the actors thinking about their choreography)
• Stupid hand-pushing-hand-with-invisible-force and flying-away-and-bouncing-off-a-wall-or-railing.

There is a very satisfying few minutes toward the end where Vader's helmet is sealed shut and he begins his "darth breath noises".

I obviously wouldn't say it is worse than Episode 1 or 2, for heaven's sake. A two-hour film of any pile of dog shit on the sidewalk would be better than those two. But it's certainly not very good compared to the original series and it's only mediocre in a general "sci-fi film" category.

This stall is occupied

So I was in the toilet stall closest to the entrance of the public bathroom at work (because that is the least used; I used to also proceed as far back into the stalls as possible until I realised I was doing myself more harm than good), when someone came in and sat in the stall right next to me. The layout was four regular stalls, and one extra-large handicapped stall on the end.

So I'm sitting there, shitius interruptus, wondering how someone can just come in, sit next to you and blap blorp pfffft start going at it so calmly and quickly. I'm the type of person, no matter how badly I have to go, if I see someone else in the public restroom at all then I'll turn around and leave to find another unoccupied bathroom. I know where all the bathrooms in the building are, what their cleaning schedules are, and when they are most utilised.

So I'm sitting there, stuck between a shit and a hard place, half in half out, so to speak, and I decide, I'm going to try to do this. Who cares who is there and not there, and how long they'll be? No one knows I'm in here.

And then another person comes in and in the stall next to that person. Soon the sounds and smells of bathroom essence were floating amicably through the air.

Just about the time that I was ready to just wipe and run, and hopefully just throw my underwear away if they get marked, another person comes in and sits in the far stall (leaving the handicapped stall available). I sometimes have a hard time understanding a panic attack that a claustrophobic person might have. But now I think I can imagine it is similar to the feeling that I experienced in that toilet-phobic experience.

May all your stalls be clean and your public restrooms be empty.

Wear my genes

The question that was brought up over the weekend at my parenting classes (see this article) was "Are you worried that you adopted child will not share you biological material and how will that affect your ability to parent?"

And my answer was that I had already given up - to a point - becoming a biological parent. The number of years and dollars that have been wasted by myself and many many others pursuing medical reproduction is truly horrifying. Mark my words, if you are considering pursuing IVF or infertility treatments, you probably shouldn't. Maybe your body is trying to tell you something. Maybe your time and money is better spent elsewhere. Maybe not, but don't go into it blindly, thinking it will work out extremely well. The odds are against it. At the very least, think about what else you could do that is more important and worthwhile. Nobody I know who went through infertility for many years did think about the other side, including myself.

In any case, another factor that plays here is that I could very well almost be a better parent when not genetically related to my child. I can be a bit too harsh on myself and might pass that on to my child. It is a sin to project yourself too much onto your child. They are a separate individual, related or not. Being an adoptive parent actually gives me a little more distance to consider our relationship and give the developing person a separate space to grow. The distance I'm talking about is not emotional. It is more an intellectual distance that helps keep the child separate from being a cloned image of the parent.

To all you birth mothers who gave up their children, I have the utmost compassion for you and your decision. It certainly isn't or wasn't easy. But once an event happens, you can't undo it. If a child is born, it must be cared for. If you can't care for it, it should be given to another who can. Nothing ever works perfectly all the time, but then, it doesn't need to either.

Your mileage may vary.

To my daughter

Dear so-and-so,

Although you are not physically near me as I write this, you are very near to my heart. My hope is that two decades from now, I can send you out into the world as a whole and vibrant individual. Right now, I can only hope that these words will give some guidance to you as you mature and develop into a wonderful woman. You may need a dictionary and thesaurus for each of the words that are used here, but that is OK. It is necessary to learn and explore new ideas and concepts and words. This document should be able to help you develop from your teen years through your early adulthood -- and hopefully beyond.

These concepts were not invented by me, although I did synthesize them according to my own understanding and traits. They may not all apply to you, but even if you find my ideas flawed or structurally unsound, you are free to recreate or rearrange them for yourself.

There are four components of character that are necessary to understand and develop over the course of a lifetime so that you can become the best person you possibly can be. The four pillars of character are Strength, Integrity, Curiosity, Compassion.

The first pillar is Strength, which is composed of the elements of courage, fortitude, discipline, and dedication. Strength is not a function of muscles, but of mind. No matter how physically strong you may (or may not) be, objects do not move by desire, but by will. You should understand the difference between wanting to do something and moving forward and doing it. Every physical action that you perform is brought on by the will of your mind to do so. When no one else is willing to get a job done, you should be able to do it by willing to get it done. Courage is the ability to face fears (which are a natural reaction to something that is unknown) and taking direct and immediate steps to removing the fear. Fear of danger is a wonderful motivation to get out of harm's way. But fear can also paralyze and freeze those without courage. When you feel yourself locking up in fear, shake it off and act in a positive direction.

The second pillar is Integrity, which is composed of the elements of honesty, morality, excellence, and loyalty. Integrity implies that you can be counted on by others and by yourself. Honesty with others lets others know they can trust and rely on you. Honesty also has an outward-to-inward context. One half of honesty is projecting out the truth to others. The other half is receiving truth from others or the world. No matter how uncomfortable a fact or reality, you should unflinchingly look at it and truly face it. Honesty is based on reflecting (or receiving) reality as it is, not as you wish or desire it to be. Use your inner judgement to decide the most realistic scenarios and be satisfied with that. You will not always be happy, you will not always be the most attrative, you will not always be the most popular. Deal with your short comings openly and you will be at peace with yourself. Excellence is to strive for respect and constantly improving your quality of work. Anything that you touch, or make, or create should be of the highest quality. Even the smallest task that you undertake should be done with quality and presence of mind. Take pride and ownership in what you do and others will respect you for it. Do not let your desires or wishful thinking of others take advantage of you.

The third pillar is Curiosity, which is composed of the elements of questioning, seeking knowledge, and flexibility. When presented with the way that things are, you should always wonder "why"? You may not receive the answers you seek, but it is important that you seek them. Sometimes the question has no answer, but the questioner is enriched by asking. Always seek, always ask, and even go so far as to doubt the answer that you are presented if they do not match what you already know. In this way, you flexibly learn and grow to know the world. By questioning things that you my experience or find out, you will piece together how things work and why they are designed that way. If you cannot find an answer, it may not exist, but that is part of the joy of discovery.

The fourth pillar is Compassion, which is composed of the elements of love, friendship, empathy, sympathy, altruism, and self-esteem. As you go through life, you will meet many other souls just like yours wandering this planet. Always give your fellow souls the benefit of the doubt when you first meet them. Know that they are often times going through the same thoughts, feelings, and emotions you are going through or have gone through. If one of them were to strike out at you, consider what may have caused them to do this. See if you can figure out what is driving their behaviours. If you can figure it out, offer some honest help. If they do not accept it, move on. Offer everyone you meet compassion, but if they take advantage of it, or if they abuse it, move on and do not waste any more time. There are plenty of other souls who are willing, able and eager to give and receive compassion.

These four pillars are all good and well, but you will only have a limited time on earth to accomplish anything. So make sure that all of your time is spent wisely for it is a limited resource that disappears quickly. Do not, however, fall in the trap of looking too far ahead or too far behind. The past is already gone. Do not dwell there. The future has not arrived. Do not look to it while ignoring the present. You only have the present moment to do what you need to accomplish, so be efficient about it and choose wisely.

The last ingredient that binds these together is Balance. Moderation in all things is important to keeping an even keel. Too much strength and honesty without compassion results in rudeness. Too much curiosity without integrity results in nosiness and meddling. Too much compassion without strength leaves you vulnerable to those who would hurt you or anyone else. Too much integrity without compassion results in a person who is judgemental and snobbish. There are always two sides to every argument and situation. Choose the third, middle, compromise each time.

By mixing and matching these pillars of character, you can draw on each to go out into the world and face it with wide open eyes, an open heart, and a smile. Others will be attracted to your spirit like moths to a flame and your duty will be to share with them the joys of what you have learned and share what you have to give.

And finally, know that you will never achieve perfection in all of these realms, not even in a few. There are too few years in a lifetime to master all of them. Develop all of them in moderation and balance as you grow and you will achieve as much as you need to. Work on the elements of your character that are weakest first. You will know how weak an aspect of your character is by how hard it is to develop it. If you find yourself struggling with a facet of your character, then that is exactly the facet you need to develop most. Do not dwell on character traits that you find easy to promote and grow. These will develop by themselves because you are naturally inclined toward it. Strenghten your weaknesses and your strengths will follow. Neglect your weaknesses and you will have a double problem -- your strengths will become unweildy and unbalanced, and your weaknesses will contribute to your unbalance even more.

In contrast to my own advice, there will be times when you will feel like a total failure. Everyone has been there, even myself, and anyone who says otherwise is a liar. You will want to lay on the ground and cry at the disaster you perceive yourself to be. Cry for a while, if you like. Once you're done crying, get up and do something about it. Make a positive change, do something to increase your character. The rules of the universe say that anything that stops moving is dead. Keep moving and ducking and dogding and weaving. The mere effort to continue will develop the strength and integrity to realize what is wrong and to fix it. You do not have to make constant progress, but you must constantly strain to do so.

Always remember that we are here to raise and protect you. We can give you guidance. But you must have the strength to work at it, the integrity to face it without fear, the curiosity to explore things I have (and have not) taught, and the compassion to share it with others.

Much love,