Wear my genes

The question that was brought up over the weekend at my parenting classes (see this article) was "Are you worried that you adopted child will not share you biological material and how will that affect your ability to parent?"

And my answer was that I had already given up - to a point - becoming a biological parent. The number of years and dollars that have been wasted by myself and many many others pursuing medical reproduction is truly horrifying. Mark my words, if you are considering pursuing IVF or infertility treatments, you probably shouldn't. Maybe your body is trying to tell you something. Maybe your time and money is better spent elsewhere. Maybe not, but don't go into it blindly, thinking it will work out extremely well. The odds are against it. At the very least, think about what else you could do that is more important and worthwhile. Nobody I know who went through infertility for many years did think about the other side, including myself.

In any case, another factor that plays here is that I could very well almost be a better parent when not genetically related to my child. I can be a bit too harsh on myself and might pass that on to my child. It is a sin to project yourself too much onto your child. They are a separate individual, related or not. Being an adoptive parent actually gives me a little more distance to consider our relationship and give the developing person a separate space to grow. The distance I'm talking about is not emotional. It is more an intellectual distance that helps keep the child separate from being a cloned image of the parent.

To all you birth mothers who gave up their children, I have the utmost compassion for you and your decision. It certainly isn't or wasn't easy. But once an event happens, you can't undo it. If a child is born, it must be cared for. If you can't care for it, it should be given to another who can. Nothing ever works perfectly all the time, but then, it doesn't need to either.

Your mileage may vary.