Friday I met with two headhunters. One of the positions sounds really good; it's close by and well within my abilities. The pay is similar to what I'm making, and so I think I can really turn on the charm and breeze through the interview with the "clients". The other headhunter just wanted to get some "face time" so there's no position attached as yet.
I can generally ace any interview that I've been in. But I would like to share the experience of my first professional job interview ever. It was also The Worst Job Interview in the World.
As a student fresh out of college, I had submitted my resume around town. I had actual work experience as a freelance consultant, and also from working in the college administrative offices. I had an actual resume, even if it only showed 2 to 3 years of experience.
I got a call one day, asking about a job I had applied for from the LA Times classifieds (no Monster, or HotJobs, or whatnot back then). The interview went something similar to this (warning, technical jargon):
Interview Guy: What does the 'ls' command do in Unix?
Me: Good question. The 'ls' command is a fundamental Unix command which allows you to view the 'listing' of files in a directory. In fact, the 'ls' comes from the word 'list', although you wouldn't be able to guess that. The history of Unix is full of these odd commands and shortcuts that are sometimes mysterious.
Long silence over the phone, with some kind of buzzing or fan whirring noise as if on speaker phoneMe: Hello?
Interview Guy: I'm here. What are all the command-line options for 'ls'?
Me: All of them? I only know about ten. There's '-l' for long format. And '-a' lower case which will show all files, including hidden files. '-A' with a capital letter is for listing All files except '.' and '..'. There's, um, '-C' with a capital for columnar format and similarly '-F' with a capital that 'formats' the output with special characters that denote regular files and directories, etc. There's, um, um, '-r' for a reverse of the sort, and um, um, '-R' with a capital for recursive directories and um... um... um... lots more. I could go through this with a simple 'man' command if you like.
Even longer silence over the phone, with buzzing and fan noises. Creaking chair sounds, some footsteps. A clock ticks.Me: Hello?
Interview Guy: I'm here. What is the 'tar' command?
....And so on. He would ask a basic question, "what is the X command" and I would answer. There'd be thirty to sixty seconds of uncomfortable fan and speaker-phone noises and then he would follow up with "what are all the command-line options for X". I would stumble through thirty to sixty seconds trying to list each option. Then, there'd be another long, extremely uncomfortable pause with the fans whirring. He seemed to only respond when I asked "Hello?" or "Are you there?"
Finally, after asking about 10 such idiotic questions (with long pauses in between), he asked me to come in for a face-to-face interview. I didn't have a car at the time, so I had to beg a roommate for a car ride. I had an address on Sepulveda near the airport. If you're familiar with Los Angeles and Sepulveda, then you know that this is the longest street in the city, county, probably the state, and ranks high up there on lists of World's Longest Paved Roads.
The address turned out to be non-existant. Naturally, my roommate had dropped me off and then sped off so that I couldn't get a ride to the correct address, or even just to get home again. So I used some spare change I had to get a pay phone (no cell phones back then) and call. I informed the Interview Guy that I was at the address provided and I was staring at an empty lot. He said something like, "Oh, I forgot to mention that's 12000 NORTH, not 12000 South." OK, thanks asshole. You clearly said South, and that's what I wrote down. Asshole. I was polite, obviously and these were only thoughts, not quotes that I verbalised. I was seriously beginning to think this was a tragic joke.
So I made some excuse about needing to go somewhere else first, and could I reschedule for later in the afternoon. I began the trek up Sepulveda, and knew I was in for about a 10 mile walk, or so. It was 10am and starting to get hot. I tried not to sweat-stain my pathetic excuse for fancy interview clothing. Fortunately, there was a mall along the way, so I stopped inside, cooled down and bought an cold drink with a few more spare change monies I had.
Finally, I made it down to the correct address and stared at a three story building with three dozen offices inside. I couldn't find the guy's name and I didn't know the company name. So I went across the street to a pay phone (no cell phones back then) and asked him which suite number he was in. He said something like, "Oh, sorry I gave you the wrong address. That's our old address. We're next door at ..." something like that. What a motherfucking asshole shitbag wipeup motherfucker.
So I went inside and found an empty reception room with a couch. I sat and waited (no bell or obvious way to attract attention) for at least 15 minutes. Finally a door opened, and someone walked past me hurriedly and out the door. I didn't have time to get their attention, not that I could have anyway. I waited for a few more minutes and another person walked past. Luckily, I was ready and flagged them down, asking for assistance. She said something like "Go through that door and sit at the table with the power supply on it."
Power supply? Are you kidding me? As I approached the room through the door, I found out the source of the whirring and noises. The interview room was a cluttered office, full of spare PC parts and a wooden desk with a speaker phone sitting next to a AT 180 Watt power supply that was loudly buzzing. I don't remember if it was actually powering anything. I just know that it was buzzing for the entire time I was there.
So I sat down and a few minutes later, the Interview Guy showed up and acted surprised I was there. I introduced myself and asked to talk about the position. To tell you the truth, he looked annoyed; I am pretty certain this was some kind of joke, but to this day, I don't know what kind.
He asked me some duplicate questions from the interview over the phone: "What is the command X" and "What are all the command line options for it?" In between, yes, he just sat there and stared into space for a very long, uncomfortable 60-90 seconds.
Finally, he turned to a computer and said something like, "Write me a program that takes three inputs from a command-line and outputs some information." Something vague, which I started to do. I typed out a rough outline in C and got about four lines down the page when he started shouting, "You've got four lines and four mistakes. Now get out of here. Get out. You don't have the job. You're gone."
Stunned, I barely managed to make my exit. As I walked out into the hot summer afternoon, I started to get really mad and upset. I sat down on the nearest bus station to begin my long ride home. I barely had enough money for the bus ride and transfers. I was getting ready to start begging passersby for spare change. As I sat there, upset and bent, a truck pulled up to the stop light and three kids in the back of the truck stood up and used their Super Soakers™ to wet me down. The light turned green, and the truck sped off up the street.
This is not a made up story. This really happened to me in real life. You know what I did? I laughed and cried (but I still think that was just the water from the Super Soakers™) and went home.